Incompatibility in personal values
(incompatible or non-overlapping top
priorities around: s*x, children,
religion, career, money, in laws, time
spent with family to name a few of
the big ones); incompatibility in
terms of how we give and expect to
receive attention and affection (say
one of you likes to show love by
making the other person’s lunch and
getting them little gifts, while the
other person wants to receive love
through frequent s*x).
On paper, the above may not look
like a deal breaker. Not on day one.
Perhaps not even after a year. But
eventually it may make the
relationship less than satisfying for
at least one of you. At which point
the door is open to temptations,
changes, opportunities that may lead
to the official end of the relationship.
I believe it is important to
differentiate causes from symptoms.
If you address symptoms without the
causes, you don’t get too far. If a
brain tumour is giving you
headaches, no amount of aspirins is
going to make the cause of your
headaches to go away.
In that vein, I read elsewhere on this
thread that “cheating†and
“unfaithfulness†are examples of
causes of a broken family. I don’t see
them as causes. I see them as
symptoms. If you are incompatible in
your values: say one of you likes s*x
every day, another once a month,
then the “every day†one may feel
like cheating. Or if you have the
value that a marriage is exclusive
regardless of circumstance, i.e. if you
want a different s*xual partner you
will divorce first; but your spouse
has no such exit criteria, then you
have incompatible boundaries
around the exclusivity of your
marriage. Or one of you ignores the
other and the other decided that the
secretary or the plumber have more
in common with them or at least
listen to them or make them feel
“humanâ€â€¦ Temptation is
everywhere. Temptation is not a
cause. What led to your choice to fall
into temptation, is what needs
looking into. My opinion.
