Olatoun Ayoola, a s*x therapist, is the
Chief Executive Officer of Our Intimate
Secrets, Ogudu, Lagos. Her counsels to
couples have rescued many marriages that
were on the brink of collapse. In an
interview, the former banker highlights her
experience as a relationship counsellor, and
noted that many marriages are on the edge
of precipice because of lack of amazing
s*x lives of couples.
What led you into this?
When I was working in the bank, I had a
friend who was having problems with her
husband; the issue was so intense that the
marriage was about to break up. I needed
to help her. What happened was that after
she gave birth she started having issue with
her libido; she couldn’t even enjoy s*x with
her husband, and she was about leaving
the marriage.
So, I started researching on how I could
help her regain her libido and her libido; her
psychology, etc. That was how the journey
started. I was able to help her and her
husband overcome the problem. They are
still together because they were able to
make up and things are getting better for
them.
How were you able to help the couple?
I was able to help them with the knowledge
I acquired from various research and the
products I recommended to them. Between
three and six months, we were able to find
out what the main problem in their
marriage was. Apart from lack of s*x, the
problem was deep down in their psyche,
their foundation and culture. So I was able
to help them to work on this and for a
period of three to six months they got
better in their s*xual relationship and
marriage.
Some people get uncomfortable when s*x
is mentioned. How are you able to market
this?
It is a fact that in Nigeria and by extension
African culture, s*x is something we talk
about in a hush, hush manner; even in the
actual s*x act, we put off the light to do it.
If you mention it outside, people wonder
what kind of person you are and they
conclude that something must be wrong
with you; in fact they may see you as
wayward.
The truth is that we are all doing it, if not
we won’t have children. I know children are
not thrown down from heaven; they are
products of s*x, it then means that s*x is
happening. Imagine if we are doing it in the
right way, in the right manner and with the
right information.
Yes, in the beginning, it was a bit hard as
people were not open to the issue of s*x,
and we had so much to do to educate
people and get them to change their views
about s*x.
The way we go to school to learn about
different subjects that is the way we are
supposed to invest in our marriage, s*x life
and relationship because what you can’t
learn you cannot do. So, it has not been
easy breaking through the barrier of
secrecy about s*x, but it has been very
rewarding and fulfilling.
You have people that have been married
for over 20 years having relationship, better
and stable marriage because they have
been able to deal with s*xual issues.
Are women, especially men, very confident
coming to you to talk about their s*xual
problems?
Yes, they have been coming to our office in
Ogudu, Lagos, and through our online video
platform. Year after year, it is getting
better. In 2015, we had 25 patrons and the
following year, it was more than double and
it has been growing tremendously. People
are getting awareness that there is
problem in their marital s*x life and they
have decided to seek help. They have
started coming, and some prefer coming in
person than talking on the phone or
through the internet. Some are not in
Nigeria and we are still able to help them.
Do you mean that Nigerian men can put
ego aside and walk to you to complain
about their lack of s*xual performance?
So many men are coming, it is almost like
50–50. A woman would come and say that
she has a problem with s*x, and a man
would also come and tell you that he has
issues with his s*x life. Some men bring
their wives and say they were not like this
when they got married – that their s*xual
lives are diminishing and they need help.
Things are changing; more men are coming
to seek help; they are putting away this
ego thing or the cultural arrogance that
‘I’m a Nigerian man.’ They are coming to
seek help to transform their marriages.
Yes, they are coming forward with their
wives and some come as inidiuviduals.
Sometimes some of the men don’t know
what the problem is; when they come they
first book a session and from the answers
to the questions, we discover what the
problems are – whether it is erectile
dysfunction, premature Ej*culation,
temporary premature Ej*culation or
permanent premature Ej*culation. We ask
these questions to get to the root of the
problem. We also have in-house doctors to
make sure that what we are doing is in
line, yes, we are not dong so much medical
thing, but we have to make sure that these
people that are talking with us are safe
with us.
Most times, men don’t know what the
problem is. Some may say, ‘I’m lasting less
than a minute; it was not like that before,
what happened?’ We make them talk about
the problem and we help them to get the
exact solution needed. Some people may
not need products, they just need to
change their lifestyle – probably just jug
around their estate and they begin to last
long; it may be to stop masturbation and
they begin to enjoy longer s*x. It’s
different strokes for different folks.
Talking about poor s*xual performance or
poor libido, where do performance
enhancing substance come in or do you
recommend them to your patrons?
In our firm, Our Intimate Secrets, we don’t
administer drugs. I’m a certified s*x
therapist, and not a medical doctor. We
cannot recommend drugs for you, we direct
you to hospital for that. I don’t really
subscribe to drugs; I do more of a natural
therapy. If you come to us and you have
libido problem, we look at you and find out
the cause. Some people need counselling,
therapy or psychological help, and we can
go through a session with you. If we
observe that everything is okay with you
psychologically, you just probably need to
change some things in your lifestyle – you
need to eat well, go on diet, and we can
give you some natural products that will
help you to get better and even enhance
s*x.
We don’t recommend products that are
synthetic; we just stay within the limit of
natural products. We have products that
can help overcome libido, even as a man;
we have wide range of products that will
enhance your s*x life and which can also
help a woman with orgasm problems; and a
man with erection issues.
In order to get s*xual satisfaction, women
are now going after s*x toys. Where do
these come in your programme?
I have men that once came to buy s*x toys
for their wives. They would tell me that
they were travelling, and they didn’t want
their wives to feel their absence and so
they buy vibrator for her.
What I have seen in this issue, first of all is
that I don’t judge, I respect your individual
preferences. So, if that is what you want, I
advise you that it should be within limit of
the best practices for s*xual health; just
make sure it is safe, and it is not going to
put you and your partner in trouble health
wise.
Every other thing goes because in Nigeria,
in the context of the modern world, even
s*x toys are now used by couples not only
individually – woman using a s*x toy and
the man using a masturbator; they now use
it to achieve an amazing and more
pleasurable s*x. In that case, I think it
depends on what is obtainable because no
relationship or marriage is the same. What
couple ‘A’ needs is different from that of
couple ‘B’ – you see what you need and
you adopt it.
A man that buys a s*x toy for his wife,
don’t you think he has erection
dysfunction?
Men are even more open on this s*x toy
thing than women because the culture has
really suppressed us; for you talk about s*x
too much people would think that you are a
prostitute. Men can come and say, my wife
has XYZ issue, what do I do?
Some men argue that living with one wife
is causing them to lose interest in s*x,
citing the old cliché, ‘monotony loses
interest’ which is leading to extramarital
affairs. What is your take on this?
I very much agree that monotony kills
interest on both the side of the man and
the woman. As from two to three years you
are already losing interest because it is the
same person, and most of the times it is
the same thing and you are not spicing it
up or doing anything better.
For instance, when you want to make more
money you will do something different from
what you have been doing. It is the same
thing in marriage. When you want to have
amazing s*xual relationship, you do
different things to help you spice it up.
What you are doing outside with the other
person is different from what you are doing
inside.
A man told me that he could not handle his
wife roughly the way he would do another
lady. That means we have to start from
the foundation; that was where I had to
help my friend few years ago. So, we look
at the culture and background and help you
get the right mind set. If you have that
kind of mindset concerning marriage, it
cannot last as the person may have three
wives or more.
We are in a society that encourages
monogamy because it is a lot easier; it is
easier on our finances. If you want to
consider monogamy you have to invest
time, energy and s*x to spice it up. This
thing you cannot do with your wife, but you
can do it with your girlfriend, why not do it
with your wife. You know why? It makes no
difference, because it starts in your in the
head. We help you work through these
limiting beliefs and mindset in your head,
set you free and help you to enjoy amazing
s*x with your wife and help you spice it up.
Yes, monotony is a problem in marriages
and nothing will change it except you
decide to do something to spice up your
s*x life and you will do better.
Men don’t know that the energy and time
they invest outside if they invest the same
in their wives it will bring the same result.
Even though the two women are different,
but it the same thing in terms of body
parts. What is different are the techniques
and skills that the other person has. As a
wife, that is what you have to learn;
likewise the man. s*x is about pleasuring
two people. As a man who does not want
to look outside, how do you spice up your
relationship? It takes you being conscious
and intentional.
As worker, you go for training to get better
on the job – that is the same thing with
marriage; you should go for seminars, talk
with counsellors and meet s*x therapists to
help you see another perspective you are
not seeing in your marriage. If you have
been with your partner for 15, 20 years,
there is a side that you have never seen
that a s*x therapist can discover. If you
invest your time and energy in your
marriage the same thing you are looking for
outside you will get it inside.
Some women complain that they hardly
reach orgasm. What should they do?
I get a lot of complaints from women about
this. This is number one, then followed by
libido. Only about 25 per cent of women
will have orgasm through penetration.
Sometimes you hear men say, ‘my wife
fakes orgasm because she wants to please
me.’ It doesn’t only mean that I should
have an orgasm when penetration is
happening, which is not true. An orgasm
can come in any type of stimulation apart
from penetration.
A woman who wants to experience orgasm
should find out how to get pleasure; if she
is able to do that, then she can teach her
husband how to because do it – you can’t
give what you don’t have.
Women should bear in mind that it is not
only through penetration that they can
experience orgasm; there are different
types of orgasm. You have clitoral orgasm
and orgasm through breast stimulation.
Don’t box your self into a corner that it is
only through penetration that you can have
orgasm.
As a s*x therapist what has been your
experience?
It has been amazing and of course there
are different things that have come. There
have been the high and low moments;
there are times when you need to awaken
people’s consciousness on the right thing
to do.
I think we are getting better in Nigeria as
to taking the help and being better in our
marriages, in our relationships and in our
s*x lives.
It has been a rewarding journey and I have
been able to help marriages.
