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It takes more than love for
your relationship to work.
Although love is the foundation of any
happy romantic relationship, love is
not enough. In order to have a healthy
relationship, both parties have to be
willing to work on it. Below you’ll find
18 ways to keep your relationship
strong.
1. Practice acceptance and appreciation.
In his book, “How to Be an Adult in
Relationships: The Five Keys to
Mindful Loving”, David Richo explains
that two of the keys to mindful loving
are acceptance and appreciation.
Here’s a quote from Richo that
expresses this idea: “In a true you-
and-I relationship, we are present
mindfully, non-intrusively, the way
we are present with things in nature.
We do not tell a birch tree it should be
more like an elm. We face it with no
agenda, only appreciation . . .”
2. Recognize that all relationships have
their ups and downs . Just as you can’t
expect to be happy all the time, you
shouldn’t expect your relationship to
be at a continuous high. When you
make a long-term commitment to
someone you have to be willing to ride
the highs, as well as the lows, together.
3. Use the word “we” . Tamar Chansky,
Ph.D ., explains that researcher Robert
Levenson and his colleagues at the
University of California, Berkeley,
found that couples who use the word
“we” when talking are happier,
calmer, and in general are more
satisfied with their relationships than
couples whose communication is more
populated by the pronouns “you”,
“me” and “I”.
Dr. Chansky explains that the word
“we” is a game changer. It sets off a
program of connectedness in the
brain so that instead of being in a
“you vs. me” mindset, we’re in a
collaborative mindset. This
collaborative mindset makes us more
loving and generous.
4. Follow the three-day gratitude plan .
Rita Watson –an Associate Fellow at
Yale’s Ezra Stiles College—explains
that having an attitude of gratitude
will revitalize your love life. Watson
indicates that a study involving 77
married heteros*xual and
monogamous couples found that with
expressed gratitude “participants
reported that they felt more loving.”
She goes on as follows:
“They also reported feeling more
peaceful, amused, and proud. They
perceived their partner as being
more understanding, validating,
caring, and generally more
responsive. They were more likely
to have reported spontaneously
thanking their partner for
something they’d appreciated on
any given day. And they were more
satisfied with the quality of their
relationship overall.”
In order to get started with bringing
more gratitude into your relationship
she recommends the following three-
day gratitude plan:
Day 1: Find three qualities that
you love about your partner and
focus on those three qualities for
the entire day.
Day 2: Identify three things that
irritate you about your partner.
Now forgive them for these things.
Day 3: For the entire day speak
only kind words to your
significant other.
Think of the three day plan as a
cleansing which allows you to clear
out feelings that keep your
relationship from thriving.
5. Keep the 3:1 ratio . Over the course of
a day we have a variety of positive
and negative experiences. This is also
true when it comes to our relationship
with our significant other. Most people
think that as long as the positive
experiences outweigh the negative,
everything is fine. However, this isn’t
so. It’s the ratio of positive to negative
that matters.
Research has shown that the magical
ratio for a flourishing relationship is
at or above 3:1. That is, you need to
have three times more positive
experiences with your partner than
negative experiences in order to have
a healthy relationship.
6. Keep the novelty alive . One of the
positive aspects of being in a
relationship with someone for a long
time is that you really get to know
each other. The negative side of this is
that the novelty wears off, and
humans love novelty.
However, there’s a way to keep the
novelty alive: constantly try new
activities together. This creates the
excitement and the uncertainty that
comes from the unknown, even if
you’re with someone whom you know
as well as the back of your hand.
7. Keep the playfulness alive. We all love
to play, regardless of our age. Do the
following: have fun together; do
something ridiculous together; and
just let go. In addition, the next time
that your partner says something that
bothers you, try responding with a
joke instead of getting defensive.
8. Give your partner space. The
philosopher Arthur Schopenhauer
used porcupines to explain a dilemma
which often exists in human
relationships. Two porcupines trying
to keep warm will move closer to one
another. However, if they get too close
they prick each other with their
spines.
The same thing happens in human
relationships: we want closeness, but
we also want space. The key is to find
that sweet spot at which we feel the
warmth that comes from being in a
relationship, while at the same time
allowing each partner to have enough
space so that neither one feels like
they’re being pricked by the other’s
spines (feelings of lost individuality,
feeling crowded, and so on).
9. Show each other daily physical
affection . Kory Floyd, Ph.D .–a
professor at Hugh Downs School of
Communication at Arizona State
University—explains that studies show
that physical affection has a myriad of
benefits. It releases feel-good
hormones, it reduces blood pressure, it
helps to release stress, it improves
mood, and it’s associated with higher
relationship satisfaction.
Showing physical affection can be as
easy as kissing, holding hands,
hugging, giving a back scratch, or
putting a hand around the other
person’s shoulder.
10. Use AAA . Mira Kirshenbaum ,
psychotherapist and author of “The
Weekend Marriage” explains that
when your significant other is upset
over something you’ve done, you
should apply the AAA approach. This
stands for apology, affection, and a
promise of action. To elaborate:
Tell your partner that you’re sorry
that you’ve hurt or disappointment
them.
Offer a meaningful gesture of
warmth, such as a hug or a kiss.
Pledge to take action that is
meaningful to them.
11. Focus on the positive. Dr. Terri
Orbuch has been conducting a long-
term study since 1986 on what makes
couples happy and strengthens
relationships. She advises that couples
resolve to focus on the positive. She
explains that happy couples focus on
what is going well in their
relationship, rather than focusing on
what is going wrong.
In addition, if you do need to call
attention to a negative aspect, try to
do it in a positive way. For example, if
your partner is messy try telling them
something like the following: “It
makes me so happy to come home to a
clean house. When things are messy I
feel stressed. Let’s come up with a
solution together.”
12. Create couples rituals. Sarì Harrar
and Rita DeMaria are the authors of
the book “ The 7 Stages of Marriage”.
They recommend that you strengthen
your relationship by creating rituals
just for the two of you. For example,
every Saturday night can be date
night. Another example can be having
your coffee together every morning,
or taking ten minutes to chat every
night before going to bed.
13. Edit yourself. Dr. John Gottman is a
researcher, author and Ph.D.
psychologist known for his work on
relationship stability. He’s best known
for his book, “The Seven Principles of
Making Marriage Work”. Dr. Gottman
explains that couples who avoid
saying every critical thought that pops
into their head when discussing
touchy topics are consistently the
happiest.
14. Be supportive . There are many
ways to be supportive of your partner,
including the following:
Give emotional support: listen to
them when they’re upset and need
to talk.
Give compliments and praise.
Give them information that they
might need.
Give them a hand when they need
it. For example, doing their house
chores when they have to put in
extra hours at work.
15. Allow yourself to be vulnerable .
Brené Brown, author of “Daring
Greatly: How the Courage to Be
Vulnerable Transforms the Way We
Live, Love, Parent, and Lead”,
explains that vulnerability holds the
key to emotional intimacy. She adds
that vulnerability is about being
honest with how we feel, about our
fears, about what we need, and asking
for what we need. It’s allowing
ourselves to be truly seen by our
partner, warts and all.
16. Say “I love you” with your actions .
Perform little acts of kindness for your
partner that let them know you love
them. Some ideas include the
following:
Warm her car on a cold morning.
Bring home take-out from his
favorite Chinese restaurant.
Get up fifteen minutes before she
does so that breakfast is ready
when she walks into the kitchen.
When you’re out shopping get him
a little surprise gift.
17. Fight fair . It’s not disagreements
that destroy relationships, but how
you deal with them. Dr. Phil—of Oprah
fame—says the following about
fighting fair:
“Disagreements are going to occur.
The question is, do you go into it
with a spirit of looking for
resolution or do you go into it with
a spirit of getting even, vengeance,
control? You’ll never win if you do
that. If you make your relationship
a competition, that means your
spouse has to lose in order for you
to win. It’s not a competition; it’s a
partnership.”
Some of the tips he offers for fighting
fair are the following:
Know what you’re trying to
achieve.
Put boundaries around the
discussion so that you don’t end up
arguing about every negative
thing that has ever happened in
your relationship.
Avoid character assassination.
Practice active listening. Try
paraphrasing to make sure that
you understood what the other
person said and ask for
clarification if there’s something
that you’re not clear about.
Set a time limit.
Be willing to compromise.
Reach an agreement on how
you’re going to solve the issue.
18. Set goals as a couple. Be a team of
two that’s striving to achieve a set of
goals that you’ve set together and that
are important to both of you. By
setting goals together you’ll be
achieving all of the following:
You’ll make sure that you’re both
moving in the same direction.
Your wins are their wins.
You can celebrate together each
time you achieve a milestone.
Studies have shown that one of the
most important components of
happiness is striving to achieve goals
that you consider to be meaningful. In
turn, one of the components of a
happy relationship is having a set of
goals that you’re trying to achieve
together.
Conclusion
Strong relationships don’t just happen.
In order to have a flourishing
relationship with your significant
other you have to do the work. Use the
18 tips above to begin strengthening
your relationship right away. After all,
a healthy relationship is an important
component for living a great life .