For the everyday man and woman, cheating
has been around forever. At some point, both
men and women would cheat or would have
been victims of cheating. Cheating, just like
telling lies is a human flaw and will continue
to generate arguments and concerns for a
variety of reasons. Ironically, despite all the
haggling, we are far from discovering why men
especially, cheat even when they love their
women and are happily married or involved in
a long-term relationship, their women are
pretty, s*xy or even have more money than
they do. Every man knows that cheating is
wrong, otherwise he would not hide it.
So, why do men cheat? The reasons are
myriad and varied and may even be peculiar to
the individual, besides the general assumption
that men, no matter the race or colour, are
polygamous by nature. Let us examine some
of them.
He thinks it’s a status symbol: A man will
cheat on his wife/partner if he believes having
more than one woman is a status symbol and
sign of success. In traditional African setting,
the wealth and success of a man is measured
by the number of women and children he has.
In the time past, a man with one wife was
considered a weakling and unsuccessful in the
society.
Onuka, Okonkwo’s father in the novel “Things
Fall Apartâ€, by Chinua Achebe is a classic
analogy. Typical scenarios abound all across
our society today with our wealthy, famous or
powerful men and their women). On the flip
side of this is the theory that success and
power are like magnets that draw women,
even without them being attracted to the
women at all. Every woman desires a man
who can provide for and protect her. This has
very little to do with love in most cases.
He can always get away with it: If a guy
cheats on you the first time and you let him
get away with it, chances are that he will do it
again knowing there is very little that you can
or will do to him. This same theory often holds
true for abuse and domestic violence. A very
close friend recently walked out of her
marriage after 17 years when she discovered
by chance that her husband was living a
double life, raising another family apart from
the one they have.
She revealed that it was not his first time of
cheating on her as he also had a child while
they were still courting, with a woman he
introduced to her as a friend. She said she
forgave him the first time after much pleading
and promises not to ever do that again.
Unfortunately, he did, several years after and
in a more damning and brazen manner.
The truth is that the typical African man
believes from a young age that he is entitled
to live a polygamous lifestyle should he
choose to do so. The women are also raised
to accept this, though unwillingly. Often, you
will hear mothers chastising their daughters
for complaining about their cheating husbands.
You hear such things as “your father did worse
things.
At least, he has not brought her homeâ€. An
aunt-in-law once told me how she would run
bath water for her husband and a mistress he
used to bring to their matrimonial home at
some point. The whole family had concluded
that the mistress would later become the
second wife until she sprung a surprise on
them and married a young man. She said to
her shame, her husband practically sponsored
the wedding ceremony and was even the
chairman at the reception. Such is the general
laxity allowed the typical African man. When a
man is made to feel that he is not
accountable for his actions, then he can easily
cheat on his partner. In fact, in the African
setting, a woman is encouraged to look the
other way if her man (especially a rich one) is
cheating as long as he is discreet about his
affairs and does not embarrass his wife.
Today, the farther from home an illicit affair is
conducted, the more acceptable it ought to be
for the partners, especially so as not to rock
the marriage boat.
Poor role models: A man whose father, uncle,
brother cheated on their wives, is most likely
to cheat. This is because he is likely to see
them as role models. Besides, it is the life he
grew up to know, so, he may have been
subconsciously programmed to follow their
example, seeing infidelity as a norm or way
of life. This point is very rife in a society like
ours. Oftentimes, parents of intending couples
from monogamous marriages frown at the
prospect of their daughters or sons marrying
children from polygamous backgrounds
because they believe that they did not grow up
around good role models that will encourage
monogamous relationships.
You may find the next few points a bit
controversial but it does not remove the fact
that they are true and have been proved over
time by research, society and common sense
experience to be true of human behavioural
pattern. Unfortunately, a lot of men who
cheat fall into this category.
Variety and change: Some men need a lot of
variety in their lives. They thrive on new
experiences and stimulation and are easily
bored by the same thing every day. Supporters
of this theory have tried to simplify this by
drawing analogy between the variety some
men desire in their relationships and the
craving for food.
They argue that while it is possible to have
one favourite food, it is highly impossible that
you will desire to eat the same food every
day. The pleasure of eating the same meal
diminishes as the days progress and a strong
desire to eat something else begins to build
up. They went further to explain that a
woman’s heart works differently from a man’s.
Whereas a woman’s heart tends to be able to
love only one man at a time, most men’s
hearts are capable of and can truly love more
than one woman at a time. Depending on the
individual; a man’s heart can have several
chambers and so can love multiple women,
like a tree with many branches. In
understanding this, think of the different
colours you love. They could be two, three,
four or even more.
You like the different colours in different ways
and for the different ambience and mood that
each colour accentuates. You can even
combine them with different things for
different results. In this same manner, you can
love more than one type of food. These simple
facts are obvious examples of what dominate
the minds of those who love more than one
person at a time, even though some have
argued that people are not like colours or
food. And because a man tells more than one
woman that he “loves herâ€, desires her, or has
feelings for her, it does not make him a
“playboy†or “liar†or that he is using people in
some sort of game and does not care for
them. Hmmm!
It boosts men’s ego: Nothing lifts the old self
esteem like discovering that you are still a hot
cake with the women. If you have been in a
long term relationship or marriage and you
have been faithful for a long time, it will sure
tickle your ego and fantasy to discover that a
woman still finds you attractive even after you
have been off the dating scene for so long.
This is especially true of men who have
crossed the 50s age bracket and beyond.
Those in this group are most likely to cheat for
a while and go back to their partners and
comfort zone. Men with low self esteem or
who earn less than their partners or who have
female bosses who are firmly in control also
fall into this category.
Boring s*x life: When partners have been
together for a while, it is easy for s*x to fall
into a routine, perhaps, on a particular day of
the week and in a particular manner. I have
been told by several male friends how their
wives will never allow them have s*x with
them in a certain position or how they
determine the number of times they can have
s*x in a month or over a period of time. Some
spouses have even told me how they have not
had s*x with their partners for several months.
Some men find this difficult to cope with and
because there is little they can do about it,
they just look for the fun and variety where
they can find it.
And since the wife is not talking, either by
design not to rock the boat or truly because
she is not in the know, the cheating game
continues. The other side of this too are men
who consider their wives chaste and pure and
want to retain that notion about them. Such
men will shy away from having “too much s*xâ€
with them and will also not be too keen in
making them practice certain s*xual positions
which they may feel are condescending.
Such men will cheat or even keep mistresses
on the side whom they pay to perform these
roles with. In the movie “Analyze Thisâ€, Robert
De Niro complained that he could not have his
wife perform the BJ because that is the mouth
with which she kisses his children goodnight.
For the thrill: Some men actually thrive on the
excitement and fun that a new affair
generates. According to a research, the kind
of excitement one gets in a new relationship is
like that of being high on drugs. The
excitement for both drug use and new
relationship takes place in the same part of
the brain. For some men the “high†or
adrenaline rush from courting, romancing, or
seducing new women, may become an
addiction.
The excitement, stimulation and novelty they
get from it makes them feel alive. They view
all the ducking, dodging and sneaking around
that cheating involves as a form of recreation
or high-risk sport, and themselves as some
kind of god or invisible being, capable of
getting away with almost anything. And since
they live for the thrill of the chase, and new
conquests as often as possible to feed their
ego and sense of worth, these men will cheat
over and over again, whether they are caught
or not.
The other side of the coin here are men who
see their cheating as a sort of trophy. For
each woman they are able to take to bed, it is
a sort of victory or conquest. This group most
likely started cheating early in their love lives
and are also not likely to quit because they
cannot leave behind the thrill of the hunt, the
chase and conquest cycle.
If you have any reason peculiar to you or
someone you know of which you can to the
reasons why men cheat, kindly share it with
us. Do have a wonderful weekend!
