A new relationship can be as
exhilarating as it is terrifying. You
finally found that guy you click with,
someone you really enjoy spending time
with who seems to really like you … and
you’re terrified of screwing it up, of
making some deadly mistake that will
end things before they even start.
It’s so sad to see how many women can’t
even enjoy being in a new relationship
because they’re so worried about ruining
it. I get e-mails every day from women
all over the world begging to know the
secret formula for how to behave so they
don’t scare their new guy away. The
levels of worry are so high you would
think they’re dating a baby mouse
rather than a full-grown man!
But I’m not one to judge; I used to feel
the same way. Even when I started
dating my husband … even though I
knew better, even though I knew he was
crazy about me, even though I was
confident that he was “the one,†a part
of me was absolutely terrified that
maybe I was wrong, maybe I would
screw this up just as I had screwed up so
many relationships in the past (him
included; we dated in high school and it
ended because I wanted things to be
more serious … and he wanted to be a
teenage boy and live in a world where
“serious†wasn’t part of his vocabulary).
To help give you some peace of mind
and an understanding of what lays the
foundation for a lasting, happy
relationship, here are some basic rules to
follow for a new relationship (some of
these might also help you if you’re single,
or even in a committed relationship).
1. Choose wisely
Fortunately, most of the feedback I get
on my advice is positive, but when I do
get negative feedback it’s usually from
women who didn’t follow this step …
they didn’t choose the right man to get
involved with. If you choose to date a
guy who tells you he doesn’t ever want a
commitment or he wants to keep things
open, or who clearly just isn’t a good
guy, then all the relationship advice in
the world isn’t going to save your
relationship!
Guys tend to be much better at seeing a
situation for what it is. If they meet a
girl who just doesn’t have it together or
seems to be a mess emotionally, they
don’t get involved. They see the red
flags, they hear the alarm bells, and they
leave. A woman, however, tends to see a
“damaged†guy as an opportunity to play
savior. Instead of running away, she
sees the good in him, the positive
qualities, the man he could be.
She empathizes with his situation and
hopes her love will heal him. Then she
gets upset when this guy who has never
had a serious relationship in his life
doesn’t want a serious relationship with
her, or fools around with other girls. A
leopard can’t change its spots. You can’t
invest in a guy who clearly isn’t
marriage material and then get upset
when he won’t give you the commitment
you want.
Instead of getting swept up in how cute
or charming or exciting a guy is, ask
yourself if he has the qualities you want
in a long-term partner, and look at how
he treats you in general. That is the real
question to consider, the one that would
have saved me personally from years of
heartache and pain had I given it any
thought.
2. Don’t ask for reassurance of how he feels,
just trust it.
A new relationship can become a
breeding ground where all your
insecurities run amuck. And it’s up to
you to rein them in … not him.
If you feel insecure about yourself or the
relationship, nothing he says will change
that. You don’t need weekly progress
reports updating you on where he stands
and how he feels. Know that you are a
wonderful girl, and he’s with you
because he thinks you’re wonderful, too.
The fear that his feelings will suddenly
change with a sudden gust of wind is
often the result of something within you,
not something he is doing (and if it is
the result of his behavior, then he
probably isn’t the right guy for you, or
isn’t serious about the relationship) .
If you put pressure on the relationship,
you squeeze the life out of it and it stops
being enjoyable and fun. Don’t push him
for reassurance or test him to see how
much he cares about you. Just realize he
does and hold on to that conviction.
3. Stop trying to win him over and show him
you’re good enough.
A big mistake most of us make in
relationships is getting caught up in
trying to prove ourselves to the other
person. Instead of considering how we
feel about them, we get caught up in
trying to make him feel a certain way
about us.
Don’t try to be what you think he wants;
be who you are and trust that if he’s the
right guy for you, it will work out. A man
can tell when a woman is trying to
impress him, and it comes across as
desperate. Don’t ever try to sell yourself
to him or modify your behavior to cater
to him and prove you’re good enough.
Just be comfortable with who you are
(and if this is hard for you, try to
uncover the reason why you feel that
your true self isn’t good enough).
When you try to win him over, you
create an unbalanced dynamic where he
is the authority on, and judge of, your
worth. If he responds to you favorably,
you believe you’re worthy. If he seems to
be losing interest, you panic and try to
do whatever you can to win him back.
Instead of using his feelings as a
measuring stick to determine your
worth, take the focus off yourself and try
to learn about him and see what he’s
about and if you’re a good match. People
only fall in love with those they feel
secure around. If you have an agenda
and see him as a means to fill a void
within yourself, he will feel it and his
guard will reflexively go up, making it
impossible to develop a real connection.
4. Don’t forget your friends!
We all have that one friend who
disappears as soon as she starts seeing a
new guy … don’t be her! When you
abandon your friendships, you create an
empty space that the relationship is left
to fill. Humans are social creatures; the
need to connect and form bonds is
essential to our emotional well-being.
A lot of women who become overly
dependent on men or their romantic
relationships are lacking close platonic
relationships. They may have a lot of
friends, but these friendships are
superficial and lacking in intimacy. We
all want to be seen and accepted for who
we are. If you don’t have that in your
life from friends and family, you will
seek it from an intimate relationship.
Friendships are important and fill our
needs in ways a relationship, especially
a new one, can’t. Try to focus on
deepening the bonds you have with
people in your life, be it friends or
family. Try to form real, genuine
connections. This will satisfy your need
for closeness so that it isn’t a big gaping
empty hole that you expect a man to fill
by himself.
5. Don’t give up your hobbies and passions.
You must always continue to do things
you love. Whether it’s art or music or
exercise, continue to engage in activities
that bring you joy and make you feel
alive and connected to your essence.
People in unhealthy relationships often
give up things they enjoy for the sake of
the relationship. They prioritize the guy
above all else (even if he doesn’t do the
same) because the relationship is the
most important thing to them.
The more you abandon other areas that
fulfilled you, the more you expect him to
compensate. You should also not stop
pursuing your dreams and goals. If a
relationship demands so much change,
you are either abandoning who you are
(this happens when you don’t have
boundaries) or it’s a bad, toxic,
unhealthy relationship you need to get
out of immediately.
6. Be positive!
There is nothing men love more than a
positive, happy woman. Similarly, there
is nothing more repulsive to a man than
a negative, whiny woman who is always
in a bad mood. Yes, life can be hard and
sometimes we just really gotta complain,
but try not to make this a habit. The
more comfortable we are with someone,
the more comfortable we may feel
unleashing a daily litany of complaints
and grievances. No one really wants to
be on the receiving end of this, though.
And no one, man or woman, likes to be
around a negative, unhappy person. In
your relationship, and in your life in
general, try to focus on being happy and
positive. See the good and try to let that
radiate through you.
It involves more than just not
complaining, though. Being positive is a
vibe; it’s an energy that comes across.
You can be saying all the right things,
but if you feel negative inside, it will still
some across. Our vibe attracts people or
drives them away. This is why women
often encounter a phenomenon where
they only attract the guys they don’t
want and not the ones they do.
Why does this happen? Well, in a
nutshell, with the guys you don’t want
it’s easy to be happy and positive and
unconcerned, because you don’t have
much at stake. You don’t let worries or
fears or insecurities enter the picture
because you’re not so attached to the
outcome. Instead, you just enjoy your
interactions with this other person and
if it works out, great. If it doesn’t, then
that’s fine, too—you weren’t so into it
anyway.
Now with the guys you do want there is
more at stake. You really want things to
work out, and this activates your fears …
specifically, your fear that it won’t work.
This leads you to think negative thoughts
… you think about all the guys you liked
and how it didn’t work out with them,
you dwell on your negative
characteristics and worry that they will
prevent you from getting the love you
want, you worry obsessively that you
will do something to cause this guy to
lose interest.
This worry leads you to feeling upset,
and this can take several forms: feeling
angry, nervous, self-conscious, paranoid,
bitter, jealous, unworthy, foolish,
unlovable, etc. All of this comes from
stressing over the relationship, which
leads me to my next point.
7. Don’t stress over it.
Stressing never leads to anything good
and instead causes more problems than
it solves. When you stop stressing out
and obsessing about your own fears,
worries, and nightmare scenarios,
something great happens: you give the
relationship room to breathe. Usually it’s
at this point that both of you start
enjoying the relationship a lot more.
When you stress, you activate your fears
and insecurities. This is something I
know about first-hand: on my second
date with my husband, I did something
that has always been a problem for me
… I talked way too much. I’m just a
talkative person! I realized I was talking
a lot more than he was, but I couldn’t
seem to help myself. I didn’t hear from
him for almost two days after that date,
and you can guess what I spent that time
doing … stressing out over the fact that
I’d talked too much, thinking about what
I wished I’d done differently (letting him
get a word in edge-wise!) and getting
furious with myself for being such a
Chatty Cathy.
I remember feeling just nauseous over
the whole thing. When I did hear from
him, I was completely on edge and
measured everything I said. Fortunately,
I was eventually able to rein myself in
by giving myself the exact same advice
I’m giving you in this article. I stopped
stressing and started enjoying the
relationship for what it was, and just let
things happen without panicking
whenever I thought I saw something that
looked like a bad sign.
Fortunately this allowed us to really
connect, and this story had a happy
ending. (By the way, I only recently told
my husband about those two days of
agony I put myself through, and he was
cracking up and thought it was very cute
and sad, and he also had no recollection
of me talking too much on the date … so
I made myself crazy for no reason!)
8. Focus on building a connection, not reaching
some goal
In order for a relationship to last and
become something real, you need to
create depth of connection. You can’t get
caught up in trying to reach some goal or
milestone. Let me tell you that having a
title will never give you a sense of
security if you don’t already feel secure.
A lot of women get caught up in
strategizing about how to take a
relationship to the next level, but this
type of transformation doesn’t come
about by force or strategy. It happens
organically as a relationship naturally
deepens.
Again, it’s about getting out of a self-
absorbed mindset where you’re
consumed with how he feels and how
you’re presenting yourself, and instead
focusing on building a connection. It’s
about dropping your guard a bit,
showing some vulnerability, and
connecting to him in meaningful ways.
That’s what lays the foundation for a
meaningful, lasting relationship.
Don’t get caught up in the illusion of who
you think he is, or what being in a
relationship with him will represent. Be
open to his world and recognize what’s
meaningful to him. Figure out what he
wants in his life and what his goals are,
and support him. And share yourself
with him, your real self, not the image
you’re trying to project of what you
think he wants so you can win him over.
