In my last article on why guys suddenly
lose interest, I discussed how caring too
much or stressing over your relationship
can irreparably damage it. The article
sparked an avalanche of e-mails and
comments from women who were feeling
panicked over the state of their
relationship.
Most understood the point I was making
in the article, but rather than relaxing
and just going with the flow, they
wanted to know: “How can I fix it if I
was stressing too much?†“What should I
text him to fix the situation?†“Is it OK if
I tell him XYZ?†“Is he gone forever?â€
“How can I get him back?†OK, full stop.
This is exactly the problem Eric and I
have been addressing at length, not only
on the site, but also in the newsletter
and on our Facebook accounts.
But I realized that identifying the problem
is only half the battle. The next step is to
get to the root of it and figure out how to
solve it.
When you eliminate the care (or worry
or stress or whatever you want to call it),
you are free to really be in the
relationship. You can see the other
person for who he is and you can give
yourself to him freely – no strategy, no
game-playing, no manipulation. You
won’t feel a need to control anything.
You can just be and there is no greater
feeling than that.
But how do we do it? How do we stop
our minds from spinning into overdrive,
sending out waves of unpleasant
thoughts and alarm bells?
1. Realize stressing gets you nowhere
First, you need to realize that getting all
wound up over the state of your
relationship serves no purpose, ever. It
causes problems within the relationship,
and more importantly, it takes a huge
toll on your sense of self and self-esteem.
When you care too much, you inevitably
become attached to a certain outcome.
You invest mental energy in making sure
things go a certain way. And if they
don’t, then you suffer on many levels.
I have been guilty of stressing over past
relationships. It was always the same
pattern. Things started out fun and light,
I got excited about the possibilities…and
then became scared that my imagined
future wouldn’t come to be…and then
panic set in. From then on, the
relationship was no longer enjoyable.
Every interaction and conversation
became a test to see exactly where he
stood and how he felt.
Anyone who has dated long enough
knows exactly what I’m talking about.
The problem is our minds trick us into
believing there is some sort of payoff to
this type of thinking. Like it will
somehow lead us to a place of confidence
and clarity. It won’t. It will lead you in
the opposite direction, rather, and cause
you to feel even more uncertain and
insecure.
2. See a relationship for what it is
Let’s talk about what a relationship is
and isn’t. We’ll start with what it isn’t. A
relationship isn’t a measure of your
worth or worthiness in this world. It is
not there to serve you and give you
things like happiness and self-esteem. It
is not there to make you feel good about
life and about yourself. This isn’t to say
a relationship can’t do these things, it’s
just that these aren’t the elements upon
which a healthy relationship is built. A
relationship also isn’t some sort of
milestone, a sign that you have “made
it,†that you will be OK, that you are now
a member of some elite club. It isn’t
something you work to acquire. It is not
a goal to achieve.
A relationship is an experience to be had
and shared. It is about discovering how
compatible you are with someone else,
and if there is enough chemistry and
compatibility to form a lifelong
partnership, also known as marriage.
The only work you have to do is to make
sure you are your best self and get to a
place where you can give and receive
love. No amount of plotting or analyzing
will change whether you and someone
else are compatible. You either are or
you aren’t. The dating process is more of
a discovery process to find out if it’s
there.
So you enter into the relationship as
your best self and then one of two things
happens: it works out, or it doesn’t. And
if it doesn’t, you’re OK because you know
that it just means you weren’t a match
with that person. It doesn’t mean you’re
flawed or damaged or bad or unlovable.
It just wasn’t a match. Sometimes you’ll
be able to see this, and sometimes the
other person will have that clarity.
Either way, if it doesn’t work, it’s
because it wasn’t the right fit. That’s all!
If you can realize this, really realize it,
then there will be absolutely nothing to
stress over.
3. Set a freak-out deadline
A lot of us make the mistake of
prematurely freaking out over something
that really turns out to be absolutely
nothing. For example, let’s say you start
seeing a new guy and things are going
great. You talk regularly, go on fun dates,
it seems to be going really well. But then
you don’t hear from him for a day or
two and immediately hit the panic
B*tton.
And then the devastation starts to creep
in…followed by the doubts. What did I
do wrong? Was it something I said?
Something I did? Why do the guys I like
always leave me? You feel a sense of
dread deep in your gut and you know,
you just know, that he’s never coming
back.
Meanwhile, in boy land, he’s been really
slammed at work and has barely had a
minute to come up for air. In his mind,
the relationship is going great, he’s
happy to have met a great girl like you
and he can’t wait to finish this big
project so he can see you again. He’s
happily going along doing his thing
while you are knee-deep in heartbreak
mode, mourning the loss of what could
have been and trying to figure out
where it all went wrong. And just when
the agony is at its peak….he calls! And
everything is fine! You’re relieved, but
at the same time, you are so in it now.
You cling to the relationship even tighter
because you remember how miserable it
felt when you thought you lost it and you
vow not to do anything to screw this up.
I’m not saying the relationship will be
doomed after this point, but I can
guarantee it will cause a major shift in
the dynamic and it will definitely ruin
your ability to actually enjoy the
relationship anymore.
Rather than reflexively panicking when
something seems amiss, set a deadline.
For example, if you started seeing a guy
and don’t hear from him for a day or
two, say, “I will not panic about this
right now. If I don’t hear from him by X
day at Y time, then I am allowed to be
upset about this,†and then just take it
out of your mind. This also works if
you’re in a more established
relationship. Let’s say you don’t see your
boyfriend as often as you’d like. Maybe
you’d like to go on dates more regularly
or see him a few times during the week.
Tell yourself that you will be fine with
things for the time being, and if nothing
changes in two weeks, then you can be
upset about it and deal with it. Or let’s
say you’re in a serious relationship and
there has been talk of getting engaged
but he hasn’t popped the question yet.
Instead of getting angry about it, just
give yourself a deadline. If he doesn’t
propose in the next month, then I will be
upset and I will deal with it. Until then,
I’m going to enjoy the relationship and
not let this bother me.
This little exercise will help you train
your mind to stay calm and avoid
spinning into a frenzy. It will help you
gain control over your thoughts and your
mood, and this will be of major benefit
to you and your relationship. And the
funny thing is, whatever problem you
wanted to get really upset about right
away usually resolves itself before the
deadline you set! I’m telling you, it really
works.
4. Be present
The biggest problem with stressing over
your relationship is it takes you out of
the relationship and brings you to a
much more disturbing place. When you
get stressed and anxious, you’re no
longer interacting with the person sitting
in front of you, you’re interacting with
the thoughts in your mind. You fixate on
an imagined future and worry about
how and if you’ll get there with him.
Stop doing this!
Instead, just be present. Be right here,
right now. When you go on a date with a
guy, whether it’s the first or the fiftieth,
all you should be thinking about is
enjoying your time with him and
building a connection. If you’re in the
early stages of dating, the only thing to
decide is whether you want to go on
another date with this person (and save
that consideration for after the date).
Don’t size him up and look for signs that
he’s the one and this is it. Don’t scan him
to determine how he feels and if he likes
you. Just enjoy it for what it is and let
the process unfold organically. No stress!
When you worry about where this is
going and if there’s a future, you blind
yourself to what’s in front of you and
hinder your chances of forming a real
connection. You can’t connect with
someone who isn’t there with you in that
present moment. Most people don’t see
other people, they only see their
concerns of the moment and they clutter
their minds trying to figure out how he
feels, what he’s thinking, and so forth.
The concern and worry and doubt feels
like it’s serving a purpose, but it’s not!
It’s actually taking you further away
from where you want to be. A
relationship is what’s in front of you,
that’s it!
5. Stop attaching to what things mean
As women, we have all been
programmed to see having a
relationship as some sign that we’ve
made it, that we’re worthy. Being single
is seen as something to be pitied, and
being in a relationship is something to
covet. As a result, a lot of us measure our
worth by our relationship status. If a guy
leaves, that means you’re unworthy, you
weren’t good enough to have this thing
that you’ve been told you need in order
to be enough. It’s hard to undo years of
faulty programming that’s been so
firmly ingrained into our DNA, but it
isn’t impossible.
Remember, only you can determine your
own worth. It won’t come in a bottle or
from a man or by splurging on the latest
trends. You set the standard for how
valuable you are. You do this by living a
rich, fulfilling life filled with things you
love. You do things that make you happy,
you work on improving yourself, you
develop your talents, you take care of
yourself, you do things that tap into your
essence and allow you to express your
true self. This is how self-esteem is built.
If you wrap up your identity in what
men think of you, or what your
relationship status is, you will never
ever feel satisfied.
In any relationship you can’t become
attached to the outcome. Instead, you
need to have faith in yourself and trust
that no matter what happens, you will be
OK and you can handle whatever life
throws at you.
6. Stop wanting
Wanting a relationship to be something
other than what it is never pans out
well. Instead, practice accepting the
situation for what it is and enjoying it.
The fact is, the people who are most
successful with relationships are people
who have fun with relationships. It
doesn’t feel like work; it’s not a struggle.
Wanting in general causes problems.
When you want, you immediately focus
on a lack, you feel a void within yourself
and you think a relationship will fill it.
It won’t.
I’m not saying it’s bad to want a
relationship or get married; most of us
want these things. But you have to take
the focus off the wanting (which turns
into needing) and put it on the
experiencing. Focus on enjoying each
moment of your life instead of
questioning where it will lead.
If you want a future, a part of your
mind gets activated and plots and plans
and thinks of ways things could go
wrong. It creates a frantic mindset
where you’re trying to account for and
circumvent all the potential pitfalls. It
may seem innocent, like you’re just
excited about the possibilities, but when
your mind starts to go into overdrive
and you begin to overly invest in this
fantasy future, you heighten the stakes
and the dynamic of the relationship
suddenly shifts.
When you want something from the
other person, you’re missing out on the
relationship with them. You are in your
head and while you might not be
conscious of it, you are in agenda mode.
When you’re not trying to get something,
you won’t strategize, won’t chase, and
won’t force it to work. You will instead
be able to just enjoy the relationship and
take it for what it is from one moment to
the next.
Whether you’re in a relationship or not,
the best strategy (for relationships and
life in general) is always to focus on
appreciating what you have rather than
dwelling on what you want.
