There is so much misinformation out
there on what it takes to be a great
girlfriend. It’s not about cooking his
favorite food or wearing s*xy lingerie
or mastering some crazy s*xual trick
(not saying these things don’t help, but
they don’t get to the heart of the
matter!).
Understanding how men think and
what they need in a relationship
makes an enormous difference in the
way you are able to relate to one
another.
The top prerequisite for being in a
great relationship is to be your best
self. A trap that many people in
relationships fall into is blaming their
partner when problems arise. Rather
than seeing what they can do to make
things better, they blame him for not
being what they want and think that if
only he did XYZ, then everything
would be fine.
It doesn’t work that way, though. You
can’t ever make someone what you
want them to be. All you can do is
bring your best. When you do this, the
other person will usually rise up and
match you at this level.
Here are six ways to be the most
amazing girlfriend ever
1. Be Direct (Not Passive Aggressive)
The majority of problems in a
relationship occur because the woman
expects a man to meet her needs, and
then resents him when he doesn’t. She
doesn’t ask for what she wants
because he should just “know.†She
may drop hints to help him out and
then become even more annoyed
when he doesn’t pick up on them. The
man, in turn, gets frustrated that
nothing he does seems to be good
enough. Eventually he gets
discouraged and stops trying and she
feels even more resentful.
Neither side has bad intentions, the
problem is they aren’t communicating
properly and the reason is because
men and women have very different
styles of communication. Men do not
pick up on nuances and subtleties in
the same way women do, they need
things spelled out in a clear and direct
manner.
If you’re mad at him, don’t act passive
aggressive until he asks what’s wrong
(to which you may reply “nothing,â€
and he’ll take that to mean nothing is
wrong and you will continue to
simmer because he should freakin’
know it’s something!), just tell him
what it is he did wrong. In
relationships it’s not usually what you
say, it’s how you say it.
If you tell a guy something he is doing
that is upsetting or hurting you in a
loving, compassionate way, I guarantee
he will try to fix it.
If you come from a place of anger or
resentment, he’ll shut down and will
be less motivated to correct it. Freud is
regarded as one of the most brilliant
minds in psychology and even he had
no idea what women want, so how do
you expect the average guy to do it?
Most arguments in relationships stem
from deeper underlying issues that
never get discussed or resolved. Maybe
a woman feels like her guy doesn’t
really care about her, or isn’t
committed to her because he isn’t as
attentive as he was in the beginning
of the relationship, and instead of
being direct about it, she freaks out on
him if he doesn’t call her back one
night or doesn’t do the dishes after she
slaved away cooking dinner for him.
From there a big fight may ensue over
something trivial while the real issue
goes untouched. When you want
something, or don’t want something,
just tell him.
2. Appreciate Him
The H Hub
Most women don’t realize how starved
men are for appreciation, I certainly
had no idea until I started writing
about relationships full-time. The
problem is that we usually love others
the way we like to feel love. Women
typically feel loved when a man is
being giving and attentive to her and
her needs. In turn, many women will
be extra giving to their man, and
while this is very nice and
appreciated, it’s not what men really
crave.
What a man deeply desires is feeling
acknowledged and appreciated for
what he provides. He wants to feel like
his efforts were a success–this applies
to everything he does from taking you
out for a fancy dinner to taking out
the trash.
If he takes you out on a nice date,
acknowledge and appreciate him for it
and tell him you had an amazing time.
Men are typically more responsive to
compliments about something they
have done rather than who they are.
Women don’t usually realize this
because women like general
compliments of the you’re so pretty/
nice/fun/caring sort. Telling a man
he’s thoughtful doesn’t have the same
impact as saying something he did or
provided was thoughtful, such as:
“Thank you for doing the dishes, that
was so thoughtful of you.â€
When a woman really sees and
appreciates her man, it makes him feel
like the ultimate winner and he will
do anything to keep her happy.
Another important relationship skill is to
try and see the intention behind an
action, and appreciate that.
I have a personal example for this.
Years ago I was dating a guy and one
night he called and asked if he could
come over. It was getting late and I
was exhausted, but he said he’d be
over in a half hour so I agreed. An
hour and half later he still hadn’t
arrived and I was fuming! Where
could he be? Why is he even bothering
to come over this late? Why do I have
to wait up for him when I just need
sleep!
He finally showed up carrying
something that smelled delicious. I
immediately went off on him for
making me wait up for him and he
sheepishly said, “I’m sorry, I wanted
to surprise you and bring over a
quesadilla from that place you love
because I know you’ve been working
so hard and barely have time to eat.â€
Even though I was starving and had
been fiending for a quesadilla, my
anger didn’t subside and the rest of
the night was uncomfortable and
tense.
The mistake I made was in looking at
the action (him being late), rather
than the intention (him wanting to do
something nice to me happy). I’m not
saying I shouldn’t have been annoyed
by his lateness, but the night probably
would have gone a lot differently had
I appreciated his good intentions…and
then after I could have nicely
mentioned that the next time there’s
an hour-long line at the place he
should just buy me a bag of chips and
call it a day!
No one is perfect and no matter how
great your relationship, there will be
times when he isn’t doing something
exactly the way you’d like him to.
You’ll get a lot further, and do a huge
service to your relationship, if you
focus on what he is doing right rather
than on what he isn’t.
3. Give Him Space When He Needs It
Another major difference between
men and woman is in the way they
handle stress and difficulties. While
women typically seek out their friends
and want to to talk about it, men
would rather retreat into the
proverbial man cave and deal with it
on their own. A woman might get
upset when this happens and think
he’s shutting her out, but it really has
nothing to do with her, it’s just how he
deals with things.
If your boyfriend seems stressed and
begins to withdraw, just let him be.
Don’t coddle him or offer unsolicited
advice or get on his case about why he
isn’t confiding in you. If he wants to
talk about it with you, he will. If he
doesn’t and you continue to push him,
you will just be another source of
stress in his life that he needs to deal
with and he’ll withdraw even further.
Men intuitively know that it isn’t easy
for a woman to give him space when
he needs it, and if you can do it
without feeling angry or resentful
towards him, you’ll be the woman who
touches him more deeply than any
other.
4. Maintain Your Own Life Outside of the
Relationship
This tip isn’t just for his sake, it’s for
your own. I swear sometimes I feel
like I should throw a goodbye party
when a friend of mine gets a
boyfriend because she’ll literally fall
off the map! I know I won’t be seeing
her at Sunday brunches or fun nights
out. She won’t want to come away
with the girls for the weekend. Getting
face time with her will never be easy
and eventually you give up and resign
yourself to the fact that you’ll either
see her again at her wedding, or if she
becomes single again (in which case,
she’ll be back in full force and down
for anything!).
It’s not just my friends, women make
this mistake all the time (myself
included!).
They get into a relationship and the guy
becomes the sole center of their universe.
This is never healthy!
For one thing, it kind of puts your
relationship in a holding pattern and
creates a scenario where you can be
dating for years and years without
taking the next step. If a guy is getting
all of you, all the time, there’s no
reason for him to take that extra step,
but this is a whole other discussion.
Another issue is your relationship
can’t be your only source of happiness
and fulfillment, you need to have a
balanced life with several components
filling you up in different areas. If you
throw all of that away for your guy,
then you add a lot of pressure to the
relationship and will never feel
completely satisfied with what you’re
getting from the relationship (mostly
because no one can be your
everything). You may start to resent
your partner and feel that he owes you
more since you gave up so much for
him, but that’s not fair because the
sacrifices you made were your choice.
Another reason not maintaining your
own life outside of the relationship is
problematic is you may end up staying
in a bad relationship for far longer
than you should have because, well,
you have nothing else to go back to
anything.
Men typically fall in love with a
woman in her absence, not her
presence. If you’re always there he
won’t experience that deepening of
the bond. To keep your relationship
fresh and invigorating, it’s essential to
have time apart to do your own things.
It gives you a break from the
emotional intoxication of
relationships so you can see things
more objectively and it takes some
pressure off the relationship so it can
unfold more organically.
I know it’s tempting to hang out with
him every time he asks, I know it’s
flattering when a guy wants so much
of your time, I know you may think
it’s because he is just so crazy about
you… and maybe he is, but giving in
every single time is just not a good
strategy. If he’s a decent guy, he’ll
respect your boundaries and will
encourage you to do your own thing
on occasion.
5. Take Care of Yourself
Don’t stop working out, eating healthy,
getting waxed, shaving your legs,
blow-drying your hair, or any other
healthy or beautifying activities that
were a part of your life pre-
relationship. Yes, it’s easy to slide into
a more laissez-faire approach when
you’re in a relationship, but if you do
that then it won’t be long before
you’re searching up and down to
retrieve the burning spark that once
existed.
Look, you don’t need to be red carpet
ready at all times, but you really
should make an effort to try to
maintain your appearance and look
good for your guy. You put your best
face forward during those first few
months of dating and there’s no
reason for it to stop once things are
more established.
It will keep the passion and lust alive in
your relationship and also, it feels really
good to a man when a woman puts in
effort to look good for him.
The funny thing I notice is women in
relationships (again, myself included),
will lounge around the house in sweats
and a messy bun and no makeup
when they’re home with their guy, but
will put on a face-full of makeup and
get decked out when going out, to
impress strangers? The whole thing is
so backwards. A guy friend once
lamented to me that his girlfriend had
put on about 15 pounds since they
started dating and canceled her gym
membership.
He told me he was still very much
attracted to her, but he just couldn’t
understand why she wasn’t taking
care of herself anymore and that was
more of a turn-off than the weight
gain. He felt like she just didn’t care
anymore and he felt stuck because
there was no way to say something
without her being offended and hurt.
He pleaded with me to spread the
gospel and tell women that while his
love isn’t only contingent on your
physical appearance, it’s really
important (and attractive) to continue
taking care of yourself at the same
level as when you first met… and so I
have!
6. Smile!
This is another tip that will
enormously help your relationship,
but also your life in general. Men
cannot resist a woman with a smile. In
fact, every guy I know has said a
positive attitude is the number one
most attractive quality a woman can
have. Look, life isn’t always going to
be rainbows and sunshine, sometimes
the poop hits the fan, but your life will
be a much better place overall if you
can tackle it all with a smile and the
conviction that it will all work out.
This kind of energy is infectious, it
draws people toward you, and it
makes you the kind of woman he
wants to be with forever. Don’t use
your guy as a sounding board or your
relationship as an emotional dumping
ground. When your guy comes home,
greet him with a smile…and then vent
if you had a rough day and need to let
it out.
Try to see the good in all situations,
both in your relationship and outside
of it. The things that happen in our
lives, for the most part, are neutral,
what makes them good or bad is our
perception and the thoughts we attach
to that event.
