With the divorce rates as high as
they are, it makes sense that it
takes the right person, right time
and right reasons to make a
fulfilling and strong relationship
I recently read an article in Psychology
Today called " 10 Tips to Help You Pick a
Good Partner '' by Dr. Barton Goldsmith.
What really jumped out at me was this
line: "Picking the right person for the
right reasons at the right time is an art
form." I cannot think of a more accurate
statement in one sentence that sums up
dating. With the divorce rates as high as
they are, it makes sense that it takes the
right person, right time and right
reasons to make a fulfilling and strong
relationship. I love Dr. Goldsmith's tips,
and as a nice complement, I wanted to
write my own:
1. Don't make choices out of fear: So many
times people either choose a partner or
stay with someone in an unhappy
relationship predominantly out of some
kind of fear. Usually that fear is being
alone but fears can vary widely from
person to person. It's often better to be
alone and wait for the right person than
to make a decision out of fear. Making
decisions out of fear leads to confusion,
anxiety and a general feeling of
something being amiss.
2. Be careful of jumping into a committed
relationship right off the bat: It can be
tempting to jump into a committed
relationship quickly when you find
someone you have a fiery connection
with. However, you don't really know
that person yet and you're getting
emotionally invested in someone that
you don't know much about. As time
progresses, you may find out things that
you really don't like or that you're truly
not compatible with this person. Because
you invested so much emotional energy
quickly, this can hurt a lot more than it
would have if you had taken time to get
to know the person before putting your
whole heart in to the relationship. When
we're in the "romantic" stages of the
beginning of a relationship, we are often
making choices out of lust and fantasy-
like projections instead of reality and
logic. It's important to remain grounded
and patient when deciding to be
seriously committed to someone.
3. Give people a chance that you normally
wouldn't give a chance to: If I had a dime
for every time someone told me they
weren't going to go out with someone
because they weren't their "type," I'd be
a rich woman! Remember attraction can
grow the more you get to know a person
and their personality. Some people also
take a lot of time to get to know and
don't wear their heart on their sleeves.
Still waters run deep and you may not
get a chance to find that out if you don't
take the time to get to know someone.
4. Throw out your checklist: Many people
have extensive lists of what qualities and
traits their ideal partner has to have. If
you box yourself in to a checklist you
may miss out on some great matches for
you. It's almost impossible to find a
perfect checklist partner, and when we
think we have found it we throw all
caution to the wind and disregard some
not so desirable qualities. A great
relationship has emotional compatibility.
How does the person make you feel as
opposed to what does this person look
like on paper?
5. Look for qualities that are the foundation
of a good partnership, throw the tiny details
out: The qualities of a person that help to
build the foundation of a good
partnership are: Empathy, integrity,
honesty, reliability, kindness and
emotional generosity. If you find these
qualities in someone, be curious about
pursuing it further, even if they may not
seem like your type on the surface. Other
criteria, like "sense of humor," "world
traveler," and "good dancer" are nice-to-
haves but don't necessarily have to be
there for you to be happy in your
relationship.
6. Don't let lust be your guide: People have
a tendency to put up with a lot of crap
from someone they are dating when they
feel a magnetic chemistry with them.
Magnetic chemistry has a strong power
because it isn't something that happens
often. When we find someone we have
magnetic chemistry with, not only is it
an aphrodisiac that we can't get enough
of but we also confuse it with the right
person (e.g., "this must be right if I feel
this strongly!"). Magnetic chemistry is
great but don't excuse bad behavior
because of it.
7. Don't confuse an "emotional roller
coaster" with being crazy about someone:
When someone isn't fully emotionally
available to us or we don't know where
they stand, it creates a type of anxiety.
The anxiety has a way of taking over our
brains to the point where our thoughts
are all consumed by this person. We're
constantly thinking about where they are
and what they are doing. Before we
know it, we start planning our lives
around them. Maybe you decide to keep
your calendar open just so you don't
miss an opportunity to see this person.
When the person validates and affirms
you, it feels great! On the flip side, when
they remove themselves emotionally,
ignore, manipulate or berate, it feels like
the worst thing in the world. Soon the
relationship has turned into a see-saw of
high-highs and low-lows, which can
make us feel a bit crazy or out of our
element. Don't confuse these type of
feelings with love.
8. Find someone you can be yourself
around: This may sound cliched but it's
true. Picking a partner where you feel
like you can be 100 percent yourself with
no judgment and complete acceptance is
a wonderful and liberating feeling. In
life it can be difficult to find venues
where you can truly be yourself. A
relationship should be your safe and
comfortable place where you don't have
to keep a mask on.
9. Don't keep waiting for something to
change that obviously won't: The longer
you stay in a situation that you know is
ultimately doomed or doesn't align with
your personal values, the more you block
yourself from having the opportunity to
meet the right person. Be clear with
yourself about what you will and won't
accept and know what your deal-
breakers are. Once you become clear on
those things, it is easier to make a
decision about the fate of a relationship.
10. Have fun! The less pressure you put on
yourself, the happier you are with
yourself, and the more at ease you are
will create a space to attract the right
kind of people to you. Sometimes it takes
seeing a lot of what you don't want to
figure out what you do want. Enjoy
yourself!
